A Mother’s Heart (Pt 3 Ponderings)

I can remember the day that I walked into Chilliwack Hospital for my very first ultrasound as a newly pregnant Mom to  meet my new baby  – Ashley.   Now this was over 30+ years ago and ultrasounds were not then what they are today.   I can’t believe how much detail there is in the ultrasounds today!   I remember the tears seeing that little life that was beating inside of me and knowing that I loved that little one so much and didn’t even know if my baby was a boy or girl.  This ultrasound was to see the life inside my body, my little girl.

5mos old ashley (2)

Today, I sat in an ultrasound room with Ashley, my little girl once again, only this time, it was to see inside her body.  It hit me so intently today as I sat watching the ultrasound being done that this was inside the body of the little girl I saw inside my body as a new life.

Now, it might not make sense to some of you why that was an overwhelming thought, but to me I had to fight back tears and the emotion that would follow it.

If you are following Ashley’s journey through this health climb in life, you know that the journey is not yet over and her back home with the kids and Corey is not been given a date.  We don’t know the day she will come home, but everyday that day is getting closer and closer.

orson & ashleyWhen you hold your kids in your arms as babes and see the smiles, wet diapers,  and sleepless nights, you are never given a window into the future.  I used to long to know what my kids lives would be when they became adults. I wanted to know their friends, spouses, would they have kids?   I prayed for them in each of those things, so if you know my kids… I had prayed for you!   I am glad that I didn’t see what she has gone through now back in those days of growing up.   She used to want me to sit beside the bed at night before she would go to sleep to sing to her.  I would lay my head on her pillow and sing lots of songs…then off to sleep she would go. Turn the clock ahead 30+ years and for a few days a week for the past 5 months I have been sitting by her bed.  I am not singing to her, I am talking and visiting with her.  I am overcome with many feelings of helplessness as I watch her walk this tough journey.  I want to be able to put my head on her pillow and sing to her and make her world ok but I can’t. ( and she would flip if my head was on her pillow now! lol)  She is a grown woman with a husband who switches off with me and we take turns sitting by her bed.  He has the lead roll now, I have had to step back. He holds her hand, and feeds into her heart, gives her courage and prays for and with her.  He defends her.. and stands guard to do whatever it will take to get her well and back home Ashley & Meto them as a family.   I have been able to step back and let Corey be the husband he needs to be and is doing a great job.   We are to leave our parents and hang on to each other in marriage and watching Corey and Ashley do that together and grow closer together is something that I see as a blessing.  They were called to be together and the proof is in the love that they share.

I believe that God will make purpose out of all of this, what it is.. I can’t give you that right now.  There are many things where we have seen blessing.  At the beginning she couldn’t even roll herself or hardly move and now she is able for short stints to get up and walk.  Her legs are still unreliable for much distance but hey, last night she even got up and straightened her own bed ready for sleep.  Answered prayer and blessings have followed and continue to be present in some way in each day.  At the end of each day I can in the quiet of my heart say “Lord, Blessed be your Name”   I don’t understand why, or how long this journey will go,  but I know that He is there and is walking this with us.  My tears, my anger, my frustration and my aching heart for the woman who was first introduced to me on an ultrasound screen is all understood by the one who gave her to me in the first place.   God knows her and knows that she is fearfully and wonderfully made, so tonight, I put my head on my pillow and my trust in Him that all the tests, doctors, nurses and even sweet cleaning ladies are part of the journey to get Ashley well again..  Tears may be on my pillow tonight, but my heart is singing  Blessed Be the Lord.  Take a minute to listen to this song... I hope your night can end with this song too… even if you have tears and fear… He is there… blessings are there…   Remember mercies are given new every morning.

Hugs n Prayers


2 Comments Add yours

  1. Johanna Alexander says:

    Dear Jackie, I don’t know what to say as I cannot begin to understand the pain for Ashley you are going through. This is surely a difficult time in your family’s life. I admire your tanacity and courage. Keep on, keep on. My prayers are with you, Ashley and the family. I pray Thetests will show what can be done for her. Hugs.

    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement and prayers!!!!!! Love you my friend

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