Giants – Fear from a Mother’s Heart

Today was a day of facing a giant.   It is one that I thought I had put away for almost a year now.  If you have been following me for very long you know of our daughter’s health journey.  For 7 1/2 months she was hospitalized and suffered a great deal.  Then came time to take her home.  My last day at the hospital I thought I had left the Giant of Fear behind me, in the past two days I realized that I didn’t.

During the time of her hospitalization I tucked away many of my feelings, fear being the the most daunting, not because I am super Mom, but because it was survival.  The giant of fear could hide, so I thought.   My heart was breaking for her, my son in law and two granddaughters.   I watched and walked the journey of hard with them, as well as did what I could to keep my own home and business in order and to work through the pain and process following our accident.  So much going on, but nothing could explain the intense fear that held residence in my heart watching her go through all she had to face  A mother’s heart carries her children’s pain in ways that words can’t express.  It can take your breath away and bring you to tears like no other.  Without Jesus in my life I know for certain I would have caved in and not had the strength to carry on.   His amazing ways of bringing just the right person along to bring light in the day, or opportunities for us to reach out in a kind gesture or word and watch how God blessed someone, was humbling how He made purpose in the hard.  In times of searching His word He brought just the right verse along to encourage and strengthen.  The view from the window in her room on many stormy nights and amazing sunsets gave a sense that He was there with us. Listening to the girls pray for Mom filled my heart with both joy and tears, they were strong and brave and taught me so much.  Conversations we were able to have in the quiet of her room as Mom and Daughter both filled my need for time with her, and broke my heart in watching pain and infection pierce her body.  The relationship I was able to build with my son in law means so much to me and made me know without a doubt that God picked the right man for her.  Oh, the tears, the tears and prayers that fell at the Father’s feet as my girl slept, all roll in my mind as I keep praying that she will be fully well soon.  Please Lord soon.     

Today for the first time in almost a year I walked through the door of one of the hospitals she had been in.  The one she was in the longest.   I went to the gift shop, I spent a lot of time there in those months just looking, and trying to refocus on something else for just a few minutes on the days that I just wanted to scream to God, “PLEASE HELP HER, MAKE THIS STOP!”.   Then came the walk to the elevator.  It took more in me to not cry now than it did when she was still there,  the shell of strength didn’t need to be there now, now I had to “feel” what I couldn’t let myself then.  Jesus held me up with strength that was only His, now He was there as I had to feel and face the pain and claim victory.  She wasn’t still there, she was home now!  Her journey back to full health isn’t over, but she isn’t there now!   The area this hospital is in is in a high drug abuse, and homeless area of the city, in the many months of the rides on the elevator there were moments of compassion, empathy and at times fear.  Today as I got on the elevator a flood of thoughts poured in through my heart and then the door opened and a young man, I am assuming a nurse by his attire, got in.  I said “how are you today?”  He replied, looking at the floor very sad, “I am ok.  Just a crazy maze of a day.” he said.   I told him I was grateful for the job he did and I wanted him to know he was appreciated.   He said “thank you, I needed to hear that” then he stepped out of the elevator.   God once again gave me a window in how uses a giant we are to face and in His way He turns it into a moment of blessing.

Deuteronomy 31-8 fearThen “10” appeared on the elevator display and the door opened,  my heart sunk and I started to fight tears big time now.   I had to fight the tears so hard, choking them back and a feeling of almost not being able to breath over took me and I had to stop by the window and just look out.    I had no intention of going to the nurses station, there was no point.  I had thought about it to see some of the nurses who became like family, but decided it was of no purpose today.    I wanted to drop off a card to someone that gave her such great care in the pain she had faced, so I quietly slipped the note under her office door.   I was just as glad that she wasn’t there, or I might have just cried, sobbed really.

I stood by the windows at the elevators and made up my mind up that I couldn’t let the pain, and fear and anguish take me down, she wasn’t there.   The smells are the same, the activity is still very busy, and the sounds of the bells ringing saying code this or that continued just as it did everyday she was there.  That giant didn’t get to take me down, God gave me the strength to walk into the door and walk out of the door being reminded of His faithfulness through that time and into today.   Our help comes from Him and He gives windows into blessings if we just stop and remember how He carried us all in that time.

She still isn’t out of the woods yet and continues to face challenges physically, but what I can say is that she isn’t there any more.  She is able to be home with her wee family.  She is doing what she can to get better and is seeing the doctors she needs to see and doing as they ask.  We just pray and wait for Jesus hand of healing on her and continue to praise Him for what He has done thus far.  We continue to celebrate the faithfulness of God in her journey and know that He is good even in the storms.   He continues to carry her and all of us through this time in ways that bring pictures of His mercy.  He is the perfect Father in every way, this I know.

“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.”                  1 Corinthians 15:57

For now, I have faced this giant and know that in this case fear cannot hold me or control me.  This Giant didn’t win!  It didn’t stop me from walking into a place I never wanted to go again, Today Jesus gave me the strength and He will continue everyday as He has done for so many years.   Thank you Father for your love and for taking my feet to the face of this giant and for a battle won.

Take a few minutes to listen to the song in my heart today .

“Giants Fall” by    Francesca Battistelli 

Hugs n Prayers


2 Comments Add yours

  1. mitzybricker says:

    I agree, Jackie, I do not know how anyone could go through times such as you have/are going through with your dear daughter without Jesus. Glory! She is home! I pray strength for today bright hope for tomorrow for you and your precious family.

    1. Hugs and Thank you!

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